Love is Not Ephemeral
by ValaMagic
Summary: He should have told her. Tag for Critic in the Cabernet and speculation about End in the Beginning. Spoilers for both. Booth's thoughts heading in to surgery.


AN: I wanted a little more in Critic in the Cabernet so this is just a short tag for that and a little speculation for the season finale as well. So you've been warned... spoilers don't read if that's a problem. Enjoy and review.

Love is Not Ephemeral

There was so much more he wanted to say, so much more that needed to be said, not just to her but to all of them. Telling her that he still wanted her to have his kid even if he didn't make it, that wasn't enough.

He wanted to tell Sweets that as annoying as he was, somewhere along the line he'd become family, just like Bones, just like the squints. He'd never told any of them most of the things he should have.

Did Hodgins even know that they were friends? He'd never told him they were and now he might never get the chance. He had to hope that actions really did speak louder than words, had to hope he knew the truth.

And Parker, he hadn't had a chance to talk to Parker, to tell him how much he loved him and that nothing in the world meant more than him, that he was special. Jared, he needed to talk to jared too, he'd left everything unresolved, the India thing, the protectiveness, all of it. He wanted Jared to be a good man but for all his trying it seemed he was failing, but it didn't make him love him any less. He couldn't even remember if he'd thanked him for saving his life.

And the girls, Angela and Cam. For everything that Angela was he loved her, she was so free, she lived almost entirely with her heart, like he did, but they were different and the same. Cam, he loved Cam, he'd always loved and would always love Cam, but not the way he loved her.

Because he did love her. He'd never told her, but he did. He'd always thought she would freak out, he still thought she would. He'd missed his chance, she'd never believe it was true if he told her as he was going into a possibly life threatening surgery, she'd claim it was something to do with hormones or endorphins or something. But it wasn't a new realisation it was as old as time, he'd been born to be with her, to teach her about love and he would, as soon as he came out of surgery.

Hers was the last face he saw before complete oblivion washed over him, those blue eyes staring at him from beneath hopeful lids and partially hidden behind the surgical mask, he wanted to see her smile, if only one last time. Though he hoped that wouldn't be the case, because he had so much more living to do.

Then the whole world seemed to disappear and the next thing he was aware of was her again. She was smiling at him from across the room and asking him a question.

"Did you remember to lodge the drinks order, we're getting low on Jager?" Drinks? Jager? His mind reeled, since when did they have a drinks order, but he heard his lips answering in the affirmative and watched as she gave a satisfied nod. He felt his body cross the room and take her into his arms as if it were somebody else doing it and then she kissed him. Everything got weird after that, Sweets was there and he was singing, with Daisy, and then Motley Crue and Cam and Jared were working together, Ange was waitressing. Yeah, things were funky.

And then it was all back to normal, he flipped his eyes open and she was there again, just as she'd promised she would be, crystal blue orbs flecked with a tinge of gray. She wasn't wearing her scrubs anymore, nor was she wearing the same clothes she'd been in when they'd gone to the hospital. Angela must have brought her some clean ones. Her hand was still clasped in his, as if it belonged there. He knew it did.

"Booth?" her voice was barely above a whisper and it was only then that he noticed how dark the hospital was, it must be the middle of the night, 'that's my girl' he thought to himself, don't let the nurses kick you out of the hospital just because visiting hours are over.

He tried to nod his head in answer to her question but pain throbbed through what Brennan would surely call his temporal lobe with every tiny movement, instead he gave a raspy "Yeah" he watched the way her face lit up in a relieved smile and was glad to have the chance to see it again, he would have missed it horribly if anything had happened to him.

"How are you feeling?"

"Okay" there was no witty remark or banter within him at that moment, just simple gratitude for his continued life.

"If you're in too much pain the nurse said you could have more painkillers soon" she was babbling a little, but she looked so cute so he didn't stop her until she'd gotten through what he guessed was an entire list of his life since he'd gone into surgery. He didn't hear a word of it, just happy to watch her face light up with relief and then concern and back to relief.

"I'm okay Bones" he tried to assure her "some water would be good though" he watched as she rushed to grab the jug net to his bed and wondered how all the horrible things he'd done in his life could add up to him getting a woman like her. Or maybe that was the point, he didn't have her, not really.

Once he'd drunk as much as he could on an empty stomach he turned back to her, their eyes meeting immediately and suddenly all the reasons seemed ridiculous.

"Hey Bones, do you think we could talk a minute?"

"Of course Booth, that's what we've been doing." Anybody else would have thought she said it to be annoying, he knew that she truly didn't understand, and suddenly it seemed to click, her mind had connected all the right dots "Oh, you mean that as a prelude to some sort of emotionally challenging conversation?"

"Not how I would have put it, but yes"

"Well surely it can wait a couple of days, you've just had major surgery. I don't think this is an appropriate time"

"No Bones, this is the perfect time, I should have said this ages ago"

"What Booth? Does this have something to do with your fathering my child? Because really that's not important, I told you that I wouldn't do it if it worried you, I won't mention it again." She was getting flustered and he loved watching her, he just hoped she was ready to admit it to herself because it was definitely there.

"No Bones, not about that... well I suppose it kind of is, a little bit"

"Booth, please, you're confusing me. Can't you be more direct?" If she wanted direct, he could do that.

"Fine, I'm in love with you"

"Um, could you explain your reasoning please. Evidence before conclusions" He'd known she would revert to science and even in his drugged up state he was prepared for that eventuality.

"Sorry Bones, would you like reasoning or evidence because they're not necessarily the same thing" He hadn't meant it to sound teasing, but it had.

"Have you been paying attention to me Booth? Reasoning please, by the way, and then evidence"

"Reasoning it is. You are an incredibly attractive woman, physically and mentally and you're intriguing, I love your lack of interpersonal skills. But you know the main thing is that I would do anything for you because you make me happy, even when I'm angry with you and I couldn't imagine having to live without you"

Brennan opened her mouth to speak but Booth interrupted "I can't imagine anyone being a better mother for y child than you will be, but you have to know that I've done the part time father thing once and any child I have from now on, I want to be a part of it's life, everything. I want to be able to have a family, I want a life with the mother, I want to live with my kid full time. I want the person I do that with to be you. I thought I could just give you what you wanted because that's what love it about, making somebody else happy. But I can't do that, I want it all this time"

He waited patiently for her to answer "Would we have to get married?" sometimes her brain just worked too quickly, and hearing the end result but not the process could be confusing.

"Could you explain your reasoning?"

"Angela thinks that I was asking for your sperm because I'm trying to protect myself from emotional attachment so that I can't get hurt, and that what I really want is a family. She also said that life is fleeting, you know you are here one minute gone the next and I should live while I have the chance, or something along those lines. Then you and the tumour and as remote as the possibility was I found myself considering what life would be like if you died. I remembered" her voice cracked but he urged her on, squeezing her hand tightly in his.

"I remembered what it was like when I thought you were dead last year and how hard it would be to go through that all again and I realised that Angela was wrong, I mean Angela and I frequently disagree, but most of her theories cannot be proven scientifically so she can't actually be discredited."

"Bones!" he voice was barely above a whisper, but loud enough to get her attention.

"Right, well the point is that I was thinking about how Angela was wrong this time, because she said I'm trying to protect myself from emotional attachments but I have an emotional attachment with you, why else would the thought of losing you be so hard?" She broke down into all out sobs and he wished he could go and comfort her, but for once she would have to come to him.

"Come here Bones" he scooted over as far to the edge of the bed as he could despite the searing pain that came with every movement. She eyed he white bed cautiously for a few seconds before slipping in next to him carefully avoiding his IV. He brushed a thumb across the ridge of her cheek collecting her tears as they fell.

"I want it all Booth, what you said all of it" she sobbed against his chest.

"But you don't want to get married?" She shook her head against him.

"Does that bother you?" for a moment she looked like the vulnerable fifteen year old completely alone in the world.

"Nope, even without marriage you'd make me the happiest man alive"

"That makes no sense"

"Course it does Bones" She nuzzled against his chest and he planted a gentle kiss to her forehead completely unaware of the pain that coursed through him.

"Could we maybe get some sleep now?" only then did he notice how exhausted she looked.

"When was the last time you slept?"

"Before you came in here" she admitted sheepishly.

"Bones, you're a scientist, you know how important sleep is"

"I was worried about you" she whispered quietly against his chest "Because I love you"

"Yep, definitely the happiest man in the world. You better still be there when I wake up"

"Where would I go?"

"Nowhere Bones" the conversation was nowhere near finished, but they'd been blessed with a little more time and Booth would certainly be using it to his advantage, just as soon as he got some sleep with the woman he loved.


End file.
